Conflicting Emotions About a Marriage

I have been shocked beyond belief and am extremely conflicted emotionally, but in the midst of it all, I feel happier than ever before and also rather hollow, as well. This array of emotions is due to the reality that Lizzie is, in fact, going to marry Darcy. Darcy asked for her hand and Lizzie has revealed to me that she has shared Darcy’s affections for a while now and has realized she had been wrong about his character all along; she even told me that it was Darcy that bought Wickham out of his debts and convinced him to marry Lydia, not Mr. Gardener. I shocked by their feelings for each other but happy for Lizzie because she will be happy with Darcy who will treat her right and give her an extremely comfortable and stable life. However, I feel an immense emptiness because I know now Lizzie will not be living at home soon, and I won’t be able to see her every day, like I have been accustomed to for so many long years. I will miss everything about her, and I plan on visiting her at Pemberly very often after she is married.

A Preposterous Letter From Collins

Lizzie has been entirely unlike herself since Lady Catherine’s visit, so I tried to cheer her up with the most hilarious accusations I had received from Mr. Collins. Mr. Collins told me that Mr. Darcy wishes marry my Lizzie, whom he scorned upon their first acquaintance; I’m not saying that either isn’t good enough for the other just that Lizzie would never accept such a proposal even if it were to come along. However, I can’t believe Mr. Collins was trying to convince me not to allow this marriage since his high and mighty, “Benevolent“(according to Collins) Lady Catherine would frown upon such a match. In reality, I could never turn it down if Lizzie truly wanted it, no matter how much it upsets Lady Catherine; actually, I would enjoy viewing the royal snobs discomfort of the entire event should anything happen. I expected Lizzie to find this as comical as I had, but to my astonishment, she seemed put off by my words, as she dismissed herself with a small, fake smile and distanced herself from me after that.

Lady Catherine At Longbourn???

I shall briefly address the fact that Mr. Bingley has proposed to Jane, everyone is excited and Mrs. Bennet is giddy beyond belief, two daughters married and all that. However, my attention lies elsewhere to the fact that Mr. Collins’s highly esteemed patroness, Lady Catherine, rudely arrived unannounced and uninvited at our house (during dinner even) to visit the family, specifically Lizzie. Lizzie and Lady Catherine went outside to converse and walk in the garden;  this my wife was rather put off by because she wanted to listen in on their conversation and it is not as easy to hide from view to eavesdrop in the garden as it is in the house, in fact it’s downright impossible. I, on the other hand, was glad to have at least caught a glimpse of Lady Catherine after her discussion with Lizzie since nothing could have given me more pleasure than the infuriated disbelieving look on her face as she stormed to her car and drove away. It would have made my day had it not been for Lizzie looking extremely distressed, as well. I’m proud of Lizzie for whatever she did say to Lady Catherine, so I’m curious about what passed between them though I fear asking Lizzie would only upset her more.

Bingley is Back

Mr. Bingley resides once again at Netherfield, and my wife begs me to invite him over; however, I keep telling her I refuse to. My reasoning to her is that last time she assured me one of my daughters would be married by the end of the year but that never happened, so I do not wish to waste my time. I must confess that I do this just to instigate her frustration because I truly do intend on asking Mr. Bingley to pay a visit to Longbourn. I thought, for just a second, that my wife would catch on to the fact that I’m messing with her since I did this exact same thing last time Bingley stayed at Netherfield, but I guess she just isn’t smart enough to figure it out. I would also like to add that I doubt whether my not inviting Bingley would have deterred him in the least were he decided to see us. He must have come here for a reason, and, since the only thing that captured his attention during his last stay was Jane, I assume he must be here to patch things up with my daughter. I am very pleased for this occasion, should it occur, because I know it will be a pleasant relief for my family after Lydia’s stressful altercation.

Irritating Lydia and Myself A Hypocrite

If I thought for one second that Lydia was annoying before being married, it compares nothing to her irritating manner now. Lydia is continuously going on and on about marriage when she has barely been married but a few days! It drives me crazy, yet at the same time I find it incredibly amusing. I think the main reason that she enjoys marriage is that, at least for now, she is better than them since she is the first and only to be married. She is totally oblivious to the trouble she caused everyone; it’s almost as if she only sees what she wants to see and I never realized it before. This is not really all that surprising since I tried my best to ignore the members of my family that I found slightly intolerable; I see now that when I call someone else oblivious I’m behaving as a hypocrite. Lydia and Wickham (who resided from the militia) will be leaving after a time to live in the North.

The Young and Foolish

I hate myself for my thoughtless, unconcern for the future when I was young. I should have considered every possibility and not have jumped into marriage with a woman I barely knew but genuinely thought I was in love with; however, I didn’t out of the idiotic,  full proof belief that there would be no doubt of our having a son. I never regretted this before; id o now though. On the other hand, my wife is utterly unconcerned; Mrs. Bennet is foolish and oblivious because she is all worked up with pleasure now that her daughter is to marry. In fact, she goes on and on about how they won’t do the wedding right and where Mr. and Mrs. Wickham will live once they are married. I believe I hate my life at the moment.

It Gets Worse

Upon my return, I found out that Mr. Collins, the self verified suck-up, called me while I was gone. I cannot believe the nerve of this foolish inexperienced young man to leave me such a pompous message defining how relieved he is not to have married my Lizzie and telling me how to handle my family, and for this, I will never talk to him again unless I absolutely have to. To make matters worse, Mr. Gardiner called me a few days after my return home to tell me he has found the two dimmest beings on earth, Lydia and Wickham, hiding out in a motel, and not married (with no original intention to be). I am also filled with the greatest dread to the fact that I fear my brother has paid Mr. Wickham’s debts in order to get him to marry my flaw filled, unaccomplished daughter. I know I will owe Mr. Gardener for the rest of my life.

Its All My Fault

I did not wish to write to my family until I had good news, for I would never want them to worry more than necessarily. In fact, I may also have dragged on my time in London purposely because I wanted to avoid facing my family since this entire situation is my fault. Lizzie and Jane, I am 100% positive, would reject this idea and insist I could not have prevented this occurrence; now that Mr. Gardiner has arrived and I am expected to return home and I am quite fearful of my family’s state. I have realized that most people know what has happened, other than perhaps my wife and Mary, avoid saying outright that Lydia has run off to get married, and they instead say the situation, incident, occurrence, or so on and so forth. I do this as well, and I believe it is out of the hope that not saying it might make it not true which is a ridiculous hope to cling to. I have never claimed to be perfect despite my constant criticism of others.

Unproductive Behavior

By this time, I have left Hertfordshire, Lizzie and the Gardiners are at Longbourn once again, and I am in London where I have nether heard word about or seen a glimpse of Wickham or Lydia. When I left my wife was in a tizzy and useless to assist anyone, Mary was going off about statistics of Lydia’s returning back untainted (or some similar nonsense that is also unhelpful), Kitty was reclusive, and Jane was proving to be the most productive member of the family in our state of crisis. I’m so frustrated that I swear once I get a hold of the pair of them I will wring some sense into Lydia once and for all, and I’ll beat Wickham bloody till he agrees to marry my idiotic, absurd, juvenile daughter. At least this is what I tell myself I’ll do as if that will be a solution to my problems, instead of a deterrent. I truly wish Lizzie were here, for I’m sure she could calm me done sufficiently and talk some sense into me rapidly, but I suppose I will have to settle with my brother-in-law.

Lydia's Blunder

I must say I was just beginning to enjoy the silence in my house now that Lydia is gone (aside from Kitty’s constant sobbing, or at least whimpering). However, now I’m to discover that she has run off with a soldier! Nonetheless, a soldier (Wickham) I was beginning to trust. I can’t believe the trouble that dim-witted girl has gotten herself into, and I must now run in pursuit of her, in an attempt to save her and, hopefully, her reputation as well. Lizzy was right and I should have listened to her when she warned me!

Which is the Real Darcy?

Elizabeth told me that she had met Mr. Darcy at Pemberly whilst touring the grounds and that he had been kind and welcoming. She even revealed that he had invited her and the Gardiners to Pemberly to meet his sister in a few days time. However, Miss Darcy had apparently been so eager to meet my Lizzie that they just showed up at their lodgings at the Inn for a visit with Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley. Lizzie revealed to me that Mr. Darcy’s entire character seemed different and even admitted that she believed they had been wrong about Darcy. I’m not sure what is stranger my daughter admitting she was wrong or Darcy behaving kindly to others. Now I begin to wonder which Darcy is the real Darcy; the one we knew here in Hertfordshire, or the one now prevailing in Derbyshire?

Unwilling Compliance

Since my last post, Lizzie has gone off on vacation with her Aunt and Uncle Gardiner. Lizzie told me this morning, over the phone, that their original plans had to be cancelled because Mr. Gardiner had work to do, but now they are headed to Pemberly for a tour of the house and specifically the wondrous grounds. Lizzie said she is excited to see the gardens since they are apparently in high esteem, but she also sounded rather nervous. I don’t blame her in the slightest. That Mr. Darcy is certainly a very peevish and creepy character always staring at my Lizzie, though the manner of his gaze always varies, sometimes it is cold yet curious and others it is warm and calculating. He is most peculiar.

Glad To Have You Back

I must have told Lizzie at least four times that it was glad to have her home. Lizzie didn’t really seem to mind, but the rest of my family seemed rather annoyed with it, but they never said anything, afraid to ruin my mood, I assumed since I had not criticized anyone in a couple days. Lizzie, though happy to be home, seemed anxious to go up stairs to bed because she yawned a couple times and kept looking at the door to the dining room. As soon as dinner was over, Lizzie looked to Jane and said, “I’m rather tired from travel, and I assume you are as well. So let’s head upstairs to get ready for bed.” Jane looked at Lizzie quizzically but agreed to go with her. I was puzzled but I didn’t say anything; instead, I got up and followed my daughters’ example and went to bed.

Glad To Have You Back

I must have told Lizzie at least four times that it was glad to have her home. Lizzie didn’t really seem to mind, but the rest of my family seemed rather annoyed with it, but they never said anything, afraid to ruin my mood, I assumed since I had not criticized anyone in a couple days. Lizzie, though happy to be home, seemed anxious to go up stairs to bed because she yawned a couple times and kept looking at the door to the dining room. As soon as dinner was over, Lizzie looked to Jane and said, “I’m rather tired from travel, and I assume you are as well. So let’s head upstairs to get ready for bed.” Jane looked at Lizzie quizzically but agreed to go with her. I was puzzled but I didn’t say anything; instead, I got up and followed my daughters’ example and went to bed.

In A Good Mood

I got a call from Lizzie this afternoon, and she told me that she had safely arrived at Gracechurch Street with Maria Lucas and was now reunited with Jane. Lydia and Kitty left promptly at noon to arrive in Hertfordshire in time to ‘get settled’ (really they meant to go shopping), and they asked for some money for dinner and then asked for more because, as Lydia so slyly said, “things can turn out to be more expensive than you think.”  I knew I was in a good mood then because I didn’t say anything about their ridiculous reasoning or their annoying persistence; I just smiled and gave the money to them silently. My family noted this rare occurrence, but they made no comments. Longbourn was utterly silent after Kitty and Lydia’s departure, and I hate to admit it, but I found myself wishing for some noise.

On Their Way

Lizzie leaves for home today, and I am so excited that my wife even said to me “you’d think the girl was getting married, not coming home from visiting a friend, by the way you’re acting.” I wish Lizzie and Jane were flying home, instead of driving, but they wanted to travel together. Lydia and Kitty plan to drive to meet them at Hertfordshire; I suspect that they just want to go shopping and meet officers, but I agreed nonetheless to let them go since they would be with Lizzie and Jane most of the time. Soon everything will be back to normal with the whole of my family once again. The only down side is that my wife will be able to go on and on about marriage again to our most eligible daughters.

Give Me a Heartattack

Lizzie called today, and she informed me, on an aside, that Mr. Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam had recently left the company at Rosings. However, the one thing Lizzie told me that had me as nervous as a Chihuahua was when she mentioned that Lady Catherine insisted she extend her visit a few more weeks. After she mentioned this, my heart flew to my throat, and I practically shouted “no way!” in utter horror, interrupting Lizzie mid sentence. Silence followed my outburst for just a moment, but Lizzie soon started laughing and assured me that she had politely turned down Lady Catherine’s invitation. Our conversation ended with a laugh of my own at the ridiculousness of my reaction, and my hesitant admittance that I had truly missed my daughter’s presence while saying goodbye with a “see you soon.”

My Proud Daughter Humbled?

Today I called Lizzie to get her opinions on Jane’s situation. When I mentioned it, she said “I have no idea.” However, she hesitated, and I get the feeling she knows more than she says she does. In fact, Lizzie said very little of anything throughout our entire conversation; a peculiar instance for her since my daughter is very opinionated. I even mentioned that I suspected our dear friend, Mr. Darcy, for Mr. Bingley’s inattention to Jane in an attempt to instigate a response from her since I know she was previously very passionate in her dislike of Mr. Darcy. She gave me a completely different reaction to it than what I had expected though. Instead of agreeing fervently and sounding angry when she referenced to him; she said that I was right, but that I should not be so quick to judge and sounded angry with me. Her words on this point were the most she spoke during our entire conversation. If I didn’t know any better, I would say that, by some miracle, my proud daughter has been humbled.

The Rage of the Missus

My wife is utterly distressed for Jane reported that she has made no progress in her efforts to charm Mr. Bingley. In fact, she said over the phone that she has yet to see Bingley at all in the entire time she has been at Gracechurch Street. Mrs. Bennet raves that her daughters are useless if they can’t even keep a good man when they find one and further states that Jane should have told her sooner. I, however, cannot blame my daughter for hiding her loose after seeing her mother’s reaction first hand. I know, had I been in her shoes, I would have done the same as her. I truly feel for my daughter and her distress at being on the receiving end of my wife’s wrath. On a final note, I can’t help but wonder why Mr. Bingley hasn’t come to see Jane, for I knew him to be quite fond of her last summer.

A Truly Missed Loved One

Today Lizzie called; however, she seemed rather refined, quite different from her usual style. I worry that something is the matter with her and that she is keeping a consequential occurrences from me. I will not dwell on this though, for Lizzie will tell me when she is ready, I’m sure. Lizzie assured me she is fine in Hunsford and informed me of her humorous encounters with Mr. Collins. She explained that he often flaunted his house, life and connections to her as if to say, “see what you missed out on.” However, Lizzie does not seem  to care since those things are insignificant, at least in her eyes, which Collins would know if he possessed an ounce of intelligence. This is severely different her mother’s point of view. I know Lizzie takes after me, especially in personality, that’s most likely the reason for my preference towards her. There is still a significant amount of time until either of my eldest daughters return, and all I can think about my extended time in solitude is “Oh Lord!!!”

Being Without Sense is Unbearable

My dearest Elizabeth has been gone nearly a week, and yet the remaining members of my family have already begun to drive me up the wall. My wife’s woeful cries about her tattered nerves and rather empty and irritating assurances that Jane is right now renewing the interests of Mr. Bingley in London are nothing except bothersome. Mary amazes me for such a bright seemingly sensible girl, she is utterly ridiculous. Mary is the type of person that poses no social skill whatsoever, and her presence, which should be a comfort among the idiocy of the remainder of my family, is of no significance since she has no presence. Lydia and Kitty are incessantly obsessing over the officers in Meryton, as usual. In an attempt to keep my sanity, I have taken to mostly ignoring my family until the return of either Lizzie or Jane. I impatiently await Lizzie’s first phone call.